Why Most Parenting Advice Fails High-Achieving Families

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The most popular question about parenting is am 
I a good parent? I've worked with over a thousand

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parents. I don't like the misinformation. If 
you are worried that you are not good enough,

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it means that you care. Connection is at the key 
of all of this. What's the hardest truth about

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parenting that no one wants to hear? I think one 
of the hardest truths about parenting is Emily

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Hughes is an expert parenting coach who helps 
high functioning parents stay calm under pressure,

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set boundaries without shouting, and lead their 
families with steady, confident authority. There's

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some really amazing evidence on the outcomes 
for kids who were emotion coached. They are

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more successful in every metric of life success. 
Too often in parenting, we are getting stuck in

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shortterm gain for long-term pain. One of the 
first questions I ask when I meet parents is,

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"What is your long-term vision?" Young children 
are primed for survival. As parents, we need to

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be modeling the behavior we wish to see in our 
children. There's no mastery in parenting. I

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see parenting as the ultimate portal for personal 
growth. Boundaryless parenting, it serves nobody.

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Growth involves suffering. Teenagers need to be 
more controlled. The thing that I really think

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teenagers need is media literacy. If you gave them 
that phone, they'd be gone. They'd never you never

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see them again. We live in a nonoptimal society. 
You should be the primary source of influence

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for your child. Okay, we're doing something a 
little bit different today. We're going into

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the parenting zone. How to be a good parent. 
And um lots of people watching are parents.

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some very young and some grandparents even and 
we don't always get it right and there's a lot

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of confusing information out there about parenting 
and then parenting also affects our professional

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lives you know it's all intertwined so it's highly 
relevant and what I always love to do is bring in

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the experts I don't like the fake information 
the misinformation I want the true experts in

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and that's why you're here Emily so for those that 
don't know you tell our viewers is who you are and

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why you are truly a parenting expert. So, yeah, 
I'm a conscious parenting coach and I've worked

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with over a thousand parents across my coaching 
and through my courses to really help parents

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to get to what matters most. And I spent 10 years 
as a secondary school teacher before embarking on

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this. And what interested me most about that was 
how you get to raise great kids. And throughout

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my experience as a teacher and then training 
as a coach and also training in somatic work,

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so of the body because we all know parenting is 
both a mind and body experience. Okay, that's a

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that's a crazy way to think about it, but it is 
a mind and body experience. Anyone who's a parent

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will know exactly what we're talking about here. 
Okay. So, you are, you know, you're certified,

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you're trained, you've spoken to thousands 
of parents, and and you've worked with kids

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in a in a in a teaching setting. So, you know, a 
thing or two about the little terrors, the cuties,

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the little cutie pies. So in preparation for this 
podcast I asked Chachi PT what the most popular

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question was that parents asking on Google. So 
what is the frequently most typed thing question

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that parents asked? Do you know what it was? Am 
I a good parent? Yeah. Yeah. And I think this

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speaks to doubt which is such a common feeling 
in parenting. And I think that the it's really

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interesting in my coaching work that the limiting 
belief that comes up so much in parenting is I'm

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not good enough. And often that's lurking in 
the shadows underneath our parenting. And really

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what I think parents need to understand is that 
parenting is not school. This is not something

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that you pass or fail at that there's an exam 
at. This is a long journey and there is always

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time to reconnect to change the dynamic. It's 
never too late. And when we're in that mindset,

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which is more of a growth mindset, because this 
kind of idea that we might be failing, it's a very

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fixed mindset way of looking at parenting, but 
really being abundant, that we have enough time.

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And one of the things that I'm always leaning my 
clients towards is leaning into their capability.

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So, it's not about good or bad. It's about being 
capable. And when you feel capable, so much begins

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to be possible. So yeah, focusing less on the 
moral judgment and leaning into your capability

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and also your commitment to your child because if 
you are worried that you are not good enough, it

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means that you care and caring aligning that with 
kind of your integrity that's what will actually

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help you to thrive as a parent. I mean, if we do 
step into that sort of the doubt field and just

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massage that for a second because it's a very real 
thing for parents. I've heard a lot of parents say

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that um if my kids are still speaking to me, you 
know, want to hang out with me when they're older

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and they don't need to, you know, then that's 
successful parenting. What do you what do you say

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to that? Yeah, that's definitely something that 
people say and yeah, I agree. It really is about

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the metrics that you are judging your parenting 
against. And I always say that, you know,

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connection is at the key of all of this. And if 
you are building connected relationships with your

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children and those connected relationships lost, 
then I would define that as being What do you mean

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by connected? Do you mean we we communicate 
and we understand each other? What what is

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the connection? Yeah, I think it's communication. 
It's understanding and it's something more soulful

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I think. So one of my clients said to me which I 
really really loved. She said she'd been focusing

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a lot on her child's academic success but she 
had been neglecting the more kind of soulful

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attunement. And what I mean by attunement, how 
I describe that is it's a bit like two people

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playing piano together. And if you are attuned 
to your child, your child is playing their their

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piece and you are doing a harmonious duet with 
them. But if you are misatuned to your child,

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your child is playing their tune and you're coming 
in kind and that is the kind of misatunement. And

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every child is different and playing a different 
tune. And part of our journey as parents,

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I believe, is to attune to that tune and to gently 
guide that into maturity and adulthood. You know,

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you actually see it quite a lot in in the academic 
schools, you know, the the grammar schools and

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the ones where they put a lot of pressure on 
that these kids are drowning in academics.

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You have that okay there's extremes where they're 
not probably not doing enough work in some schools

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and then the other ones are they pushing you 
a lot and then they are but then yes there's

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this neglect on the emotional upbringing 
which is such an important part you know

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what happened at school today how you know 
how was that friend of yours or how's that

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person that's not been that nice what what's the 
latest you know juice on that or whatever and just

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sort of tapping into their day emotionally how 
they've navigated it. It's it's quite a Yeah. So,

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what you're what you're speaking on there is is 
kind of emotion coaching. Yeah. And there's some

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really amazing evidence on the outcomes for kids 
who were emotion coached, who had parents who were

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interested in the child's emotional world. And 
those children they end who are emotion coached,

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they are more successful in every metric of life 
success. So they're more successful academically,

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socially, even health. And really, this is at the 
core of everything. It's like, how are we raising

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emotionally intelligent kids? But in order 
to to do that, we sometimes need to raise our

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own emotional intelligence. That's certainly my 
journey in parenting. I thought I was emotionally

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intelligent. And I swiftly realized in my first 
few years of parenting that I was not emotionally

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intelligent. And that's been like a big quest for 
me. A toddler's going to test you. Toddlers are

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the most, you know, the strictest. Think about 
clients. You talk about a toddler is demanding.

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They have no patience with you and any nonsense 
that your baggage you might be carrying. You know,

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a toddler is a is a special species, I would say. 
Um, what's the hardest truth about parenting that

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no one wants to hear? I think one of the hardest 
truths about parenting is really around control

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because so often in our lives, you know, from 
when we became an adult to when we had kids,

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we are largely in control of our lives. Then 
children come along and the truth is that you

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cannot fully control a child because you can't 
make a child sleep, you can't make a child eat,

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and you can't make a child defecate. Right? 
And it can be a massive challenge to our need

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for control. And really one of the greatest 
things that we can accept is that humans are

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really hardwired to not be easily controlled. 
And when we accept that that control is not

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the goal but guiding and finding ways to attune 
and gain cooperation, it's possible to do this.

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But when we are stuck in feeling like I need to 
control everything because I'm not safe unless

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I'm controlling everything. That's where people 
get stuck in. You're making me think of the Super

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Nanny episodes. I don't know if the viewers are 
going to recognize or remember Super Nanny, but

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yeah, when she goes around and then she's trying 
to well, the toddler is actually trying to control

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the household normally and the toddler's making 
the rules about when it goes to bed. Normally,

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it's these really like strong empowered toddlers 
that that really want to rule the show. That's

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what makes good TV, right? You've got the toddler 
who's trying to control the household and then

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you've got this desperate parent who can't control 
the toddler and the super nanny comes in and she

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then controls the parent and the toddler and she 
does this whole naughty step thing and in a way I

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feel like the toddler's temporarily controlled 
and then she goes and then the it's all Yeah.

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Yeah. And one of the things I think about the 
supernal approach is I don't think it's very

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wise. Why? Why is it not wise? Because it's not 
wise. It's really rooted in disconnection. And

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any parenting approach that is rooted in 
disconnection, so sending the child away,

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that's not really gaining the longterm vision 
that you want for your family. Because whenever

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I speak to one of the first questions I ask 
when I meet parents is, "What is your long-term

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vision?" Because this is the thing. So often in 
parenting, we are getting stuck in shortterm gain

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for long-term pain. But really, when we think 
about what we truly want for our child's life,

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what we I believe that we all really deeply at 
our core want to raise wise elders. Now, that

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might sound a bit funny if you've got listening to 
this and you've got a four-year-old at home, but I

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think that that is really the end. It's good. we 
want that's really the end point to raise a wise

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elder right and um if you are doing that through 
disconnection through blame shame punishment the

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child is not learning how to be wise and so I 
think the parents role through connection is to be

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the wise guide the wise teacher because the truth 
is if your child develops emotional intelligence

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parenting is going to be so much easier for you. 
But you sometimes hear parents and you know, well,

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parents lose it, don't they? When they get really 
frustrated with their kids and they'll shout at

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them and you sort of think, but but when you're 
three, yeah, you're not going to understand what

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what the shouting message is, are you? There's a 
big can a three-year-old understand shouting. I

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think one of the things here is as parents, 
we need to be modeling the behavior we wish

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to see in our children. And when we model high 
reactivity and being out of control, it's not

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really effective. Now, I'm a realist. I think, you 
know, it's the way that we most of us have been

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parented. It's almost impossible to parent without 
occasionally shouting. I'm not going to, you know,

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claim that that's an easy thing to do. But I think 
if we commit to begin again every time we shout,

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we're not going to get lost in the guilt and shame 
of the fact that we've shouted. We just commit

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to begin again and try to do better. And I think, 
you know, one of the things about young children,

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young children are primed for survival. And 
how do they survive? Well, they survive by

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getting our attention. And they survive by getting 
a high energy. And if you are shouting at a child,

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of course, like it's not nice, but for a child's 
perspective, they're like, "Ah, I'm getting

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attention and I'm getting high um high source 
of energy from you." And for a child, that means

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survival. And the child's not sophisticated enough 
yet to be able to get that kind of high input

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energy in like a healthier way. I suppose what I'm 
asking it's um maybe not the occasional shout in

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case some shout too too much but it's maybe it's 
it's more as they go through the levels and I mean

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this is now I'm I'm speaking just as like I don't 
have parent coaching or anything but I'm a parent

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of three girls who are now teenagers you know 
my oldest is 18 18 16 and 14 and um I I found

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that at every stage you would have to communicate 
with them a little bit differently I mean there's

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no I think there's would be zero point in shouting 
at you shout at a baby. You can't shout at a one

0:14:44.160,0:14:47.040
three-year-old. What are you going to what are you 
going to shout? They don't understand what you're

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talking about, you know? So, it's almost like 
you have to like you evolve with them and your

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communication changes and they can only understand 
certain things at certain ages, you know, if they

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can't even they can't work out a complicated maths 
formula, your whatever yelling, they're not going

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to really comprehend that either. So, it's like 
you can't even do that even if you wanted to. But,

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it's almost like you develop with them as they 
grow and you give them what they can handle. Is

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that 100% you? Yeah. And I believe that you know 
there's no mastery in parenting because as soon

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as you feel like you've mastered parenting 
as you've described your child goes through

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another developmental milestone they change. They 
offer you fresh material all of the time. Fresh

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content. Yeah. Fresh content. And this is really 
why I you you know you mentioned growth there.

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I see parenting as the ultimate portal for for 
personal growth. The ultimate portal because your

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child is giving you many potential triggers. Oh 
yeah. Oh yeah. And each of those triggers you have

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the choice as to what to do with them. And this 
is why. So each trigger that your child gives you,

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we could look at it as being a gift. Now, I know 
that might seem like a little bit of a stretch,

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but it's a gift to understand yourself more deeply 
and to really understand what it is to be a human

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as well, because humans are emotionally messy and 
complicated and parenting is the most emotionally

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complex thing you are ever likely to do. And this 
is true. Yeah. embracing that as a a a journey of

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growth and a chance to understand yourself, 
your children, and what it means to be alive

0:16:38.560,0:16:44.800
as a human. Tell that to the parents who have 
crayon all over their house and the mess. I mean,

0:16:44.800,0:16:49.360
you've got to feel for parents sometimes cuz some 
some kids, you know, and well, there's different

0:16:49.360,0:16:54.800
levels, I suppose, of madness, but you know, 
these parents, they work so hard, you know, well,

0:16:54.800,0:16:59.440
and they come back exhausted and sometimes the 
kids Yeah. they it is hard work. It's definitely

0:16:59.440,0:17:06.560
a challenge to to be a a good parent, I think, 
for everyone. Yeah. And I think within that,

0:17:06.560,0:17:13.040
one of the things that I think we need to get 
very cleareyed on is the fact that we have all

0:17:13.040,0:17:20.880
been sold a lie. And the biggest lie is is that 
the nuclear family is normal. The nuclear family

0:17:20.880,0:17:27.680
is not normal. If you look at the history of 
humans as a species, it's something like 2% of

0:17:27.680,0:17:35.360
all humans have been operating within the nuclear 
family. And the other 98% were in tight close-knit

0:17:35.360,0:17:41.600
communities, intergenerational families living 
together or tribes. And when so by nuclear family,

0:17:41.600,0:17:45.280
you mean the mom and dad and then the siblings, 
just the the small unit, you're not talking

0:17:45.280,0:17:50.560
about the great grandparents and then the small 
community that would support you, the people who

0:17:50.560,0:17:57.040
live in your house. Yeah. Basically. Okay. Yeah. 
And um when they study huntergatherer parents,

0:17:57.040,0:18:05.200
you know, in tribes that are still existing 
today, up to 14 adults are responsible for

0:18:05.200,0:18:13.840
each child's care. And this idea that we are meant 
to be thriving, parenting mainly by ourselves is

0:18:13.840,0:18:20.400
unrealistic. And the more that we can embrace 
that and really I you know one of the things I

0:18:20.400,0:18:26.560
tell my clients is one of the challenges of 
modernday parenting is to thrive within the

0:18:26.560,0:18:32.640
nonoptimal situation that we find ourselves in 
and to embrace the fact that it is nonoptimal.

0:18:32.640,0:18:37.600
We're meant to be parenting with support from many 
other adults and we don't have that and that is

0:18:37.600,0:18:41.280
why it's so sometimes you don't want that support 
because you've got different parenting styles. So,

0:18:41.280,0:18:44.640
you know, not the classic like mother-in-law. 
I'm lucky with my mother-in-law. But sometimes

0:18:44.640,0:18:48.240
you might have, you know, one that's, you 
know, parenting in a way that you think,

0:18:48.240,0:18:53.920
oh my goodness, or you're handing them sweets or 
maybe, you know, whatever, whatever it might be,

0:18:53.920,0:18:59.920
but you have differences and that can cause 
friction cuz parenting is a touchy subject. It

0:18:59.920,0:19:06.560
is a very touchy subject. Parents get upset. Yeah. 
Yeah. And I think that's one of the hard things

0:19:06.560,0:19:15.360
about parenting in Britain is that there's so much 
choice on how you could parent. And you know, in

0:19:15.360,0:19:22.320
other cultures around the world, the community is 
the third parent. And we don't have that because

0:19:22.320,0:19:29.440
everybody's parenting in a very different way. 
And often parents are watching each other. Yeah.

0:19:29.440,0:19:35.040
Because part of why we're watching each other is 
to be like, well, what are they doing? Should I

0:19:35.040,0:19:41.920
be doing that? And this creates this environment 
where shame thrives. Because when we feel like

0:19:41.920,0:19:48.320
people are watching us and when we feel like we 
are not supported by community and that perhaps

0:19:48.320,0:19:57.920
we might be getting it wrong, shame thrives. And 
I think that shame is what is lurking under so

0:19:57.920,0:20:08.240
much parental reactivity. And parents can find it 
well humans can find it so hard to identify the

0:20:08.240,0:20:14.880
emotion that I am feeling is shame because even 
talking about shame people want to lean away from

0:20:14.880,0:20:20.480
from shame. Um but it is the powerful driving 
force underneath so much of our reality. I mean

0:20:20.480,0:20:24.960
when when you when you talk about this I have 
about a million different thoughts but there's

0:20:24.960,0:20:33.040
I'll categorize them into two the one half of my 
brain will sympathize and think it's horrible to

0:20:33.040,0:20:38.560
be you know judged and you should parent the way 
that your instincts tell you because you you know

0:20:38.560,0:20:43.680
you normally your gut instinct is correct and you 
should trust that and you know what works in one

0:20:43.680,0:20:47.920
culture might not work in another culture and you 
should just really trust that and have faith in

0:20:47.920,0:20:53.040
yourself and go for it. And then the other part of 
my brain say, "Yeah, but what about Yeah. When you

0:20:53.040,0:20:57.840
see these things and you see someone's toddler 
going crazy and publicly and just misbehaving

0:20:57.840,0:21:02.000
and being completely rude to the parents, you 
think, why aren't you parenting?" And then you are

0:21:02.000,0:21:07.360
yourself being this judgy person. And it's like an 
instinctive thing. But also on LBC the other day,

0:21:07.360,0:21:12.640
I was driving and I put it on and there was an 
argument. And honestly, it was so passionate this

0:21:12.640,0:21:19.920
conversation about um kiddies being allowed into 
nursery school. You're talking about three year

0:21:19.920,0:21:25.200
olds, four-year-olds in nappies. And some of the 
callers were calling in and getting really upset,

0:21:25.200,0:21:30.160
you know, and saying that it's horrible lazy 
parenting and why is this happening? And again,

0:21:30.160,0:21:34.480
you sort of feel on the one hand, well, there 
must be a reason why, you know, maybe they've had

0:21:34.480,0:21:38.560
difficulty and maybe the finances aren't in order. 
You don't know what happened. Maybe they're very

0:21:38.560,0:21:43.200
ill. You just don't know. Yeah. Right. But then 
on the other hand, you sort of think, but yes,

0:21:43.200,0:21:49.280
why aren't you why is your child not nappies at 
that age? And you can't help but be judgy. I mean,

0:21:49.280,0:21:54.880
it's a horrible muddy thing to step into, but 
you understand what I Yeah. what I'm saying.

0:21:54.880,0:22:02.080
Yeah. And I think part of this again leans 
into a more societal problem that we don't

0:22:02.080,0:22:07.920
support parents and that we actually devalue 
parenting as a society. From the get-go,

0:22:07.920,0:22:14.960
we devalue parenting as a society. You can see 
that through like, you know, paternity, um,

0:22:14.960,0:22:19.840
leave, um, maternity, you know, it's like go go 
go, don't worry about being a parent, even though

0:22:19.840,0:22:26.720
that is your most single most important job if you 
decide to have this child, that's your priority.

0:22:26.720,0:22:32.320
Yeah. And you see that in the way that you know 
money has been taken from like support services

0:22:32.320,0:22:38.400
like for for years you know and um so part of this 
this is at a societal level where I think parents

0:22:38.400,0:22:44.720
are are not supported and I think another thing 
that has happened a good point. Yeah, good point.

0:22:44.720,0:22:53.440
Is that we as a society, we are as a generation of 
parents, unlike perhaps our parents' generation,

0:22:53.440,0:23:01.600
we've grown up aware of the impact that parenting 
can have on children through the sort of mass

0:23:01.600,0:23:08.400
popularization of psychology, through the media, 
through culture, and we're also a a much more

0:23:08.400,0:23:17.120
traumainformed society. Now what this can end up 
doing for some parents is that they are so worried

0:23:17.120,0:23:24.320
about causing harm to their child that actually 
they are unable to set boundaries because in order

0:23:24.320,0:23:32.080
to set a boundary the child needs to undergo a 
small amount of suffering because it is hard for

0:23:32.080,0:23:39.040
a child to meet a boundary. That's just hard. 
Children are not going to like your boundaries.

0:23:39.040,0:23:46.240
But what can end up happening and I would say 
that those I I would relabel that lazy parenting

0:23:46.240,0:23:53.440
to being boundaryless parenting. And the thing 
is with boundaryless parenting is that it serves

0:23:53.440,0:24:01.360
nobody. It doesn't serve the child and it doesn't 
serve the parent. And again, it's shortterm gain

0:24:01.360,0:24:08.720
for long-term pain. Long-term pain. Yeah. All 
those nappies as well. the environmental impact.

0:24:08.720,0:24:19.440
And um really I think what this is is parents 
needing more trust that you can set boundaries

0:24:19.440,0:24:25.680
within that boundary the child will experience a 
small amount of suffering. Right? And your role

0:24:25.680,0:24:32.480
is to support the child through that suffering. 
Not to eliminate suffering because that's not

0:24:32.480,0:24:43.280
how life works, but to support the child through 
that and really that is where we can find more

0:24:43.280,0:24:48.240
progress and more peace in our parenting helping 
each other. I think helping each other as parents

0:24:48.240,0:24:54.320
if you you know gently, you know, if someone 
needs it, you can say, "Well, I'm available to

0:24:54.320,0:24:58.640
do this and that." If you just helping each other, 
I think that that that's quite a cool thing to do,

0:24:58.640,0:25:03.040
especially in when you know each other, you're all 
in the same, you know, your kids are friends, you

0:25:03.040,0:25:07.440
might as well, you know, if you can help someone, 
that's good. And also being prepared to suffer

0:25:07.440,0:25:12.960
ourselves because I think the inconvenience of 
having to go everywhere with a party and have to,

0:25:12.960,0:25:18.080
you know, get them up and sit with them and 
wait and it's all that inconvenience that we

0:25:18.080,0:25:23.840
just have to also inconvenience ourselves. 100%. 
Get used to it. Yeah. It's like how can we feel

0:25:23.840,0:25:33.200
more safe in suffering? Because growth involves 
suffering. Pain. It does. And you um yeah there's

0:25:33.200,0:25:38.160
a nice analogy of the soft shell crab. Have you 
ever heard this one? No. No. Go on. So the soft

0:25:38.160,0:25:47.360
shell crab in order to gain its in order to grow 
the crab needs to shed its old hard shell which

0:25:47.360,0:25:52.960
is a painful process. And then it goes through 
this sort of vulnerable process where it's its

0:25:52.960,0:25:59.840
shell is soft. And then as it's developing and 
growing, that shell becomes harder, more sturdy,

0:25:59.840,0:26:05.920
more resilient, more robust. But then it gets 
to another point where the inside of the crab is

0:26:05.920,0:26:12.320
starting to outgrow the shell. And again, it goes 
through this more vulnerable process of shedding

0:26:12.320,0:26:18.000
the old shell, having the more vulnerable soft 
shell. And that is what parenting is like. It's

0:26:18.000,0:26:25.760
this suffering, vulnerability. But how we help our 
child through that is through empathy. And that's

0:26:25.760,0:26:32.080
the key thing when we're setting boundaries. What 
will help us to set boundaries is empathy. I'm

0:26:32.080,0:26:36.960
setting this boundary because it is for your 
good, for your long-term good. But I see this

0:26:36.960,0:26:45.200
is hard for you. Yeah, it's empathy. Hard to be 
empathetic with a screaming toddler. So, but yeah,

0:26:45.200,0:26:51.760
but you you need to have that sensitivity to them. 
And I really think empathy sets you free as well.

0:26:51.760,0:26:56.400
Empathy is not just a gift for the child. It's a 
gift for yourself because when you're showing up

0:26:56.400,0:27:02.880
in empathy for the child, you simply by default 
are more empathetic with yourself. Why why do

0:27:02.880,0:27:10.640
kids or why how why can kids why are they able to 
I mean do they have some sort of innate ability

0:27:10.640,0:27:17.200
to to wind their parents up sometimes? Like you 
know a toddler just saying no. The toddler is just

0:27:17.200,0:27:22.560
like, "No, no, no." or teenager or whatever. Is 
it because they know us? They know what buttons

0:27:22.560,0:27:27.600
to push and they they quite actually they 
are emotionally intelligent and they know

0:27:27.600,0:27:34.080
our parenting defects. Like why why do kids get 
to their parents in that way? Even like really

0:27:34.080,0:27:40.640
top tier CEOs, they'll crumble, you know, where 
their kids can floor them, you know? Yeah. Humble

0:27:40.640,0:27:49.680
them. For the majority of the time, I think that 
labeling our children's behavior as them trying to

0:27:49.680,0:27:58.320
manipulate us is not helpful because most of the 
time what it is is a child with an unsophisticated

0:27:58.320,0:28:06.400
brain that's not fully developed yet trying to 
get their needs met in the only way they know how.

0:28:07.040,0:28:16.240
And if that is triggering us, if that is pushing 
our buttons, it is because it is poking at some

0:28:16.240,0:28:25.600
unhealed wound within us or some limiting belief 
that we're not good enough or that we're not heard

0:28:25.600,0:28:32.480
or that we don't matter. Okay. Okay. I'll take 
this a step further. So what if and this happens

0:28:32.480,0:28:37.200
cuz I've spoken to a lot of parents and I've had 
an experience with this myself where you'll have

0:28:37.200,0:28:44.960
the child children who will play parents off 
against each other. They'll say, "Oh, but oh,

0:28:44.960,0:28:49.440
can I do this?" and say, "Well, no, because 
we don't do that." And they'll say, "Well,

0:28:49.440,0:28:55.440
dad said I can do it and dad would say yes." 
And then they'll go to dad and they'll be like,

0:28:55.440,0:29:03.760
"Well, mom's mom said no." And it's not, you know, 
they'll sort of play the parents. Or they'll say

0:29:03.760,0:29:08.480
things like, "Oh, well, you did it for so and so 
for the for, you know, I'm not the favorite then

0:29:08.480,0:29:14.880
if you're not doing it for me." Clever. Mhm. I 
don't know. That's why I say manipulative because

0:29:14.880,0:29:21.360
that is what an adult would call manipulation 
because you're playing people and they smart kids.

0:29:21.360,0:29:26.880
Yeah. So, what you've done there is a tool that I 
use in my coaching called finding the jewel. And

0:29:26.880,0:29:34.960
when you find the jewel in your child's behavior, 
you are able to show up with less reactivity. So,

0:29:34.960,0:29:39.120
what you did there was find the jewel in the 
behavior, which is the jewel. The jewel is that

0:29:39.120,0:29:46.240
that's clever. That's intelligent behavior, 
right? And if you are able to find the jewel,

0:29:46.240,0:29:51.120
now that doesn't mean you condone the behavior, 
but if you are able to find the jewel in it and

0:29:51.120,0:29:59.680
go, "Ah, I see I see what you're doing." Then you 
are able to stay more grounded in your response.

0:29:59.680,0:30:08.720
Whereas if you are reacting to that, you've gone 
down to the level of a child, right? And you know,

0:30:08.720,0:30:13.120
I think that there's something deeper at play 
here within that. If the child knows that they

0:30:13.120,0:30:20.320
can do that, then that speaks to something that 
has not happened within the the two parents,

0:30:20.320,0:30:28.960
which is to find alignment on their values. Now, 
you do not need to parent exactly the same as your

0:30:28.960,0:30:37.680
um partner, but where you do need to what you 
might need to work on is having alignment over

0:30:37.680,0:30:45.280
your values. And what I mean by your values is 
what you deem to be deeply important. And if this

0:30:45.280,0:30:50.960
Yeah. If you and your partner have a shared 
understanding of what you deem to be deeply

0:30:50.960,0:30:55.520
important, then you are going to be far less 
easy to play off against each other. You see,

0:30:55.520,0:31:00.400
they know that cuz when it comes to sweets, for 
example, I don't like sweets. I don't want them

0:31:00.400,0:31:05.280
in the house. I don't want to hear it from the 
dentist. So, have they been eating sweets? And

0:31:05.280,0:31:12.560
it's um um yeah, I don't I don't buy them. 
My husband buys the sweets, brings them in

0:31:12.560,0:31:17.920
the house and puts them in the cupboard and then 
they go and then they Well, dad bought the sweets,

0:31:17.920,0:31:21.520
you know, and it is one of those things, but 
dad likes the sweets and he wants the sweets,

0:31:21.520,0:31:25.600
and he doesn't see it as a big problem that they 
have the occasional sweet. I don't like the sweet.

0:31:25.600,0:31:29.840
I don't want it in the house. I think if it's in 
the house, they're tempted. Yeah. So, on that,

0:31:29.840,0:31:36.960
no, we're not aligned. You're spot on. Yeah. Never 
have been on sweets. Yeah. And you know, you might

0:31:36.960,0:31:44.640
it might point there to perhaps the dad has more 
of a value on like freedom and and you have more

0:31:44.640,0:31:51.840
of a value. Perhaps it's health. Yeah. Yeah. 
And Yeah. And when those two values are coming

0:31:51.840,0:31:59.120
into conflict, that's really where sort of a a 
dysfunction lies. But but you know, so if I may,

0:31:59.120,0:32:03.520
I also find it's good though. I I I find that it's 
good when it's especially as they get older that

0:32:03.520,0:32:09.040
into teenagers whether there is a need to open 
up that freedom a bit more because you have to

0:32:09.040,0:32:14.560
develop and you have to learn to be free. I mean 
and and if you're too protective so actually I

0:32:14.560,0:32:21.920
think it's kind of good on some things but bad 
on others. So I I have no no solution I'm giving

0:32:21.920,0:32:28.400
it to you. Yeah. Um yeah and you know I think um 
within what you said there around sort of giving

0:32:28.400,0:32:36.160
your children freedom as as they grow you know 
one of the things that can be really impactful is

0:32:36.160,0:32:44.400
trust and helping your child to develop the skill 
of being trustworthy and you know with this sweet

0:32:44.400,0:32:49.280
situation um there's a there's a really nice piece 
of research which is about children over the age

0:32:49.280,0:32:57.920
of 10 respond really really well to being given 
status and respect. So with something like sweets,

0:32:57.920,0:33:02.560
rather than sort of telling them, you know, you 
shouldn't eat sweets. They're bad for your teeth,

0:33:02.560,0:33:08.320
it goes down, you know, it doesn't go down well, 
right? But if you give children information,

0:33:08.320,0:33:14.960
right, and you say, you know, this this is what 
could happen to your teeth um if you eat a lot of

0:33:14.960,0:33:20.800
sweets. What do you think would be the best course 
of action here? When you're honoring their status

0:33:20.800,0:33:28.400
and respect, when you are helping them to be wise, 
giving them the opportunity to think and be wise

0:33:28.400,0:33:34.160
so that they're not feeling controlled by you in 
making the decision, but they instead are feeling

0:33:34.160,0:33:43.280
internally empowered. That's really where we can 
um move forward from petty disputes about things

0:33:43.280,0:33:50.480
like sweets and actually start your child thinking 
about what might be the best course of action

0:33:50.480,0:33:56.160
which is a long process which will take many many 
years. It's no quick fix. But I think this is why

0:33:56.160,0:34:01.840
we need to be seeing parenting as this very long 
journey. Oh, I've just been taken back to a memory

0:34:01.840,0:34:08.640
when I was a a teenager in school, primary school, 
um there was an option to watch this thing about

0:34:08.640,0:34:12.160
drugs, you know, they gave the option to parents 
and my mom was like, "You're definitely going to

0:34:12.160,0:34:15.680
go watch this." I was like, "Oh, no." But it was 
a horrible I mean, I don't know why they did. They

0:34:15.680,0:34:21.120
wouldn't do it in in British schools here. But 
basically, they showed us this video of just Yeah.

0:34:21.120,0:34:26.480
what happens when you take drugs. Like literally 
these people agreed to be filmed and then you're

0:34:26.480,0:34:34.320
there watching and you're 12 and you're seeing 
this and it was the worst thing ever. It It had

0:34:34.320,0:34:42.000
such an emotional horribly awful effect on me that 
I've just I'm I do not want anything to do with

0:34:42.000,0:34:47.840
drugs. Don't want it. I don't want to be that. 
I don't want to be that at all. And it worked. I

0:34:47.840,0:34:51.920
mean, they don't do that in in schools now, but 
I That's kind of what you're saying, isn't it?

0:34:52.800,0:34:58.960
show them rather than just an adult coming in bad 
teeth. Yeah. Rather than an adult just coming in

0:34:58.960,0:35:05.280
and saying don't do this. Well, the child's brain 
is particularly in the teenage years, the child's

0:35:05.280,0:35:13.520
brain is actually primed to be like risk risk 
and rebellion. The child is like more primed

0:35:13.520,0:35:19.280
for that than they are for like listening. Why are 
they like that? Because they need to individuate

0:35:19.280,0:35:29.280
from their parents. And this is a healthy process, 
but you know, it can be done in a way that honors

0:35:29.280,0:35:38.240
the teenager's sovereignty, right? Rather than 
taking away and kind of like squashing the the

0:35:38.240,0:35:45.280
the teenager. I think it's really interesting to 
look at how other cultures raise teenagers. Okay.

0:35:45.280,0:35:52.000
And um yeah, well the happiest teenagers in 
the world are apparently in the Netherlands,

0:35:52.000,0:36:00.240
are they? Yeah. And um gosh, uh this is apparently 
they have like just a very respectful culture with

0:36:00.240,0:36:07.120
their teenagers. And there's also a great deal 
of listening as well within that culture towards

0:36:07.120,0:36:13.040
teenagers. Um and the kind of more traditional 
approach where we might be lecturing a teenager

0:36:13.040,0:36:19.360
which goes down like a ton of bricks, right, 
doesn't work. Um that's that's less of a thing

0:36:19.360,0:36:25.040
apparently. Yeah. You know, um on on the freedom 
thing as well because as as they become older,

0:36:25.040,0:36:30.480
phones are a thing, aren't they? And apps on the 
phone and everything like that. And my husband

0:36:30.480,0:36:35.680
um well, we're both in in marketing and he 
specifically is specializes in digital marketing.

0:36:35.680,0:36:41.200
He knows everything about these apps and whatever. 
and and um and and the age of when they should

0:36:41.200,0:36:45.040
have phones and everything. And I was like, you 
know, pushing pushing back against going, look, we

0:36:45.040,0:36:49.040
just want to leave that as late as possible. Don't 
pollute their brains. I don't want them having all

0:36:49.040,0:36:54.320
this radiation, you know, the typical things. 
Um and um we need to monitor. And he was like,

0:36:54.320,0:37:00.000
look, just just don't because if you monitor too 
much and you you start to take it away, they're

0:37:00.000,0:37:04.080
going to want it more and then you won't know 
what they're doing on the apps because they'll

0:37:04.080,0:37:10.800
have them. They will have them. He was spot on 
because I saw this happening with basically all

0:37:10.800,0:37:17.280
of the kids and I know this for a fact that 
were prohibited these apps and their phones

0:37:17.280,0:37:23.360
taken away. They all had secret accounts anyway 
and they were all on other devices and using other

0:37:23.360,0:37:27.280
mechanisms to access these accounts. And this 
was all done behind the parents back because

0:37:27.280,0:37:33.120
they couldn't trust the parent to allow them to 
have the technology. And I'm really glad that I

0:37:33.120,0:37:39.120
was going to go down that ultra strict route for 
as long as I possibly could. And it's only thanks

0:37:39.120,0:37:44.400
to to my husband that I didn't. And I'm grateful 
for it. He was right because actually giving them

0:37:44.400,0:37:48.800
that and access to it and then just explaining 
it to them. And he did a lot of training them on

0:37:48.800,0:37:53.520
how the apps work and how they're going to send 
you information. If you watch something once,

0:37:53.520,0:37:57.600
it's going to go into a program. He explained it 
to them and even made them do some work on it,

0:37:57.600,0:38:01.280
you know, for them to run a campaign and 
then see how that's fed back to them. So,

0:38:01.280,0:38:05.600
he's even got them learning about digital 
marketing, but that actually helped them.

0:38:05.600,0:38:10.240
And then when it came to my my daughter and her 
studying, she goes, "I'm switching off Tik Tok.

0:38:10.240,0:38:15.200
I'm I'm totally deleting it for the whole of my 
exam period because it's too it's it's having an

0:38:15.200,0:38:18.480
effect on me and I'm I'm getting too addicted. 
So, I'm going to switch it off myself." She did

0:38:18.480,0:38:24.240
it herself. I had nothing to do with it. So in 
that way the lack of freed the giving freedom

0:38:24.240,0:38:30.480
and not prohibiting them that was useful for the 
teenagers weirdly where you think the opposite

0:38:30.480,0:38:36.720
teenagers need to be more controlled it's instinct 
to control them isn't it yeah and I think you

0:38:36.720,0:38:48.400
know with with technology in general I think that 
parents do a disservice to themselves and to their

0:38:48.400,0:38:57.200
kids if they don't ask this crucial question. Are 
the phones serving the family? Because technology

0:38:57.200,0:39:04.240
is here to serve us and if it is costing us more 
than it is serving us and it might be costing us

0:39:04.240,0:39:10.880
if the child is doing these sneaky behaviors, you 
know, um behind the parents back, you know, that

0:39:10.880,0:39:15.120
that's the question we really need to come back 
to. And I love the example you used there because

0:39:15.120,0:39:22.720
it sounded like your husband was doing the thing 
that I really think teenagers need, which is media

0:39:22.720,0:39:31.520
literacy and critical thinking skills. Because 
media literacy, the ability to look at the content

0:39:31.520,0:39:38.880
and critically analyze it and question it and not 
to take it at face value, but be curious and ask,

0:39:38.880,0:39:45.200
you know, what is this video normalizing? And is 
that normal? Yeah. It's emotional intelligence

0:39:45.200,0:39:51.280
again. Critical thinking. That's what is going to 
protect your child. Yeah. It's good. Yeah. Yeah. I

0:39:51.280,0:39:55.120
like it when they come to you with it and they're 
like, look what they're showing now and the things

0:39:55.120,0:40:00.320
if something bothers them because they're allowed 
it. Yeah, they'll actually show. Oh, and oh no,

0:40:00.320,0:40:04.240
that's that thing where it will burn your body 
if you do this cuz this is, you know, there some

0:40:04.240,0:40:10.800
borax, you know, things like sometimes they have 
these these challenges that they want kids to do

0:40:10.800,0:40:14.000
that are very dangerous. You know, they'll show 
it to you. Oh, look, this is going around again.

0:40:14.000,0:40:17.840
Or what do you think about this? You, oh my word, 
what's that? That's going around. But otherwise,

0:40:17.840,0:40:22.320
you would never have that intel. Yeah. If 
you didn't have that trust and it is intel,

0:40:22.320,0:40:26.160
but I think it's different with parenting smaller 
kids where you can't. If you gave them that phone,

0:40:26.160,0:40:29.440
they'd be gone. They'd never you never see 
them again. Yeah. And I think, you know,

0:40:29.440,0:40:35.040
in that sense, it's probably different, isn't it? 
Yeah. I mean, a technology like phones, screens,

0:40:35.040,0:40:43.840
it's like a donut, right? A donut is nice. It's, 
you know, sweet, but you wouldn't let your child

0:40:43.840,0:40:51.600
have 20 donuts because then that would not 
be healthy. It's exactly the same. You know,

0:40:51.600,0:40:58.000
we don't want to deny our child the donut every 
time, but also you wouldn't give them 20 donuts.

0:40:58.000,0:41:05.280
And I think it goes back to the boundaries. It's 
like having boundaries, but also with teenagers,

0:41:05.280,0:41:12.560
like respecting the child within the boundary. 
And really the best kind of boundaries that work

0:41:12.560,0:41:19.920
with teenagers are the ones where the child feels 
respected within the boundary and where the child

0:41:19.920,0:41:25.840
has some buyin with the boundary. So where the 
child understands that yeah this boundary is here

0:41:25.840,0:41:33.840
to help me develop healthy habits. This boundary 
is here to help me get the values of the family

0:41:33.840,0:41:40.320
right. This boundary is here to keep me safe. This 
boundary is not here to control me or squaltch me.

0:41:40.320,0:41:46.240
This boundary is here to give me skills for the 
future. Yeah. And so let's talk about because

0:41:46.240,0:41:50.720
we spoke about the community. Yeah. So we've got 
this nuclear family and yes most of us, you know,

0:41:50.720,0:41:54.240
we're in this nuclear family. We don't have 
the privilege of having all the grandparents,

0:41:54.240,0:41:59.360
everyone. Some of us they're living abroad and 
there's all that kind of situation. Um different

0:41:59.360,0:42:04.000
cities, towns. It's quite difficult. But then 
you've got the other influences. So you've got

0:42:04.000,0:42:10.800
the the nearby kids in, you know, and the kids in 
the school and then or your university or whatever

0:42:10.800,0:42:15.920
it is, nursery school and and nursery schools 
have different ways of looking after kids. It's

0:42:15.920,0:42:20.240
so different. You go to one than the other. The 
parenting style, the upbringing style, whatever

0:42:20.240,0:42:26.960
you want to call it. I mean, the the the famous 
case of um Molly May recently um with the whole

0:42:26.960,0:42:32.000
the toddlers um biting each other in the nursery 
school. And of course toddlers are allowed to,

0:42:32.000,0:42:35.360
you know, they are allowed to do things like that 
because they're toddlers. But then of course,

0:42:35.360,0:42:40.400
you know, the nursery school will put mechanisms 
in place hopefully to prevent that. Um,

0:42:40.400,0:42:45.440
and some nurseries might be doing it differently 
to other nurseries. But there are these other

0:42:45.440,0:42:49.760
influences and you let your child go and 
it goes into these spaces. And how do you

0:42:49.760,0:42:54.480
know how do you even choose a place? And 
sometimes you might not even be able to.

0:42:54.480,0:42:58.800
you're you're just living in a in a neighborhood 
that's maybe not the greatest and then your kid is

0:42:58.800,0:43:03.760
in the school and then it gets really influenced. 
So you have to what you double up on parenting

0:43:03.760,0:43:12.480
or how does how do you even navigate this? It's 
hard and again we live in a nonoptimal society.

0:43:12.480,0:43:20.160
But I think one of the most important things to 
remember is that whatever the outside influence,

0:43:20.160,0:43:28.000
you should be the primary source of influence for 
your child. And how you do that is by doubling

0:43:28.000,0:43:36.320
down on belonging. So your home needs to be 
a deep place of belonging for your child. And

0:43:36.320,0:43:43.760
if the child feels that they deeply belong 
in the family, everything else is slightly

0:43:43.760,0:43:52.560
less important. And you know, in our culture, 
belonging. Yeah. Yeah. And belonging is the

0:43:52.560,0:43:59.520
opposite of shame. So if you want to raise 
confident kids who are secure in themselves,

0:43:59.520,0:44:05.120
we double down on belonging. And really 
within this is also like an attachment piece.

0:44:05.120,0:44:12.400
So we think of Daniel Seagull's four S's of 
attachment. The child needs to be safe at

0:44:12.400,0:44:18.640
home. So that's emotionally safe. So they're going 
to do an emotion and the parent is going to hold

0:44:18.640,0:44:24.240
them through that emotion, not try to fix it 
or squaltch it, but your emotions are valid,

0:44:24.240,0:44:29.360
right? And obviously physically safe. They are 
valid, aren't they? They are valid. The child

0:44:29.360,0:44:37.920
needs to be seen. And by that that means you need 
to listen to your child more than you go in to fix

0:44:37.920,0:44:43.920
more than you go in to give advice. Listening to 
your child so that they feel deeply understood.

0:44:43.920,0:44:50.320
Because if a child feels deeply understood at 
home, they are able to weather the storms of being

0:44:50.320,0:44:57.840
not understood in other environments. If they 
feel deeply understood at home, soothed is the

0:44:57.840,0:45:06.160
next S. And that really the world would be a much 
much better place if everybody was more soothed

0:45:06.160,0:45:13.280
soothed. And so often as parents that flamed. 
Yes. Exactly. So often as parents that's what

0:45:13.280,0:45:20.800
we're needing is to feel more soothed. And then 
basically if you do those three things repeatedly

0:45:20.800,0:45:29.120
over time that creates the fourth S which is 
a secure attachment. And a secure attachment,

0:45:29.120,0:45:35.840
it transcends all time and space throughout the 
child's life. Because a child, if they're securely

0:45:35.840,0:45:44.240
attached to their caregivers at home, it's like 
giving the child a protective force field. So

0:45:44.240,0:45:49.360
they can go into situations where people don't 
understand them or maybe, you know, it's not the

0:45:49.360,0:45:55.920
ideal situation and they can know I have inherent 
worth. Yeah. Oh, I love that. That's powerful.

0:45:56.560,0:46:01.840
There's also something that I that I was thinking 
about and I do think about a lot throughout

0:46:01.840,0:46:09.440
parenting, but I saw it yesterday. Um I went to 
the park and there was a a granddad and the little

0:46:09.440,0:46:16.880
toddler. Yeah. Um they'd only sort of got there, 
you know. Um and they were talking and the little

0:46:16.880,0:46:22.960
kid was playing really nicely on the swings and 
done having a wonderful time. And then just soon

0:46:22.960,0:46:27.760
after that, not not many minutes went by and then 
the the grand said, "Come on, we need to go back

0:46:27.760,0:46:31.040
now. We need to go back now." And the little 
kid didn't want to. And it was like, "No, come

0:46:31.040,0:46:35.920
on." And actually, I felt really sorry for the kid 
because obviously, yes, his mommy's mommy's home.

0:46:35.920,0:46:41.200
And you think, so what? So what? That she's home. 
Give the kid a break. You know, it's probably been

0:46:41.200,0:46:46.880
trapped, you know, in some nursery or whatever. 
It's finally outside. What a lovely, you know,

0:46:46.880,0:46:51.680
this just before sunset. It was really, you know, 
and just lovely to be out there and you sort of

0:46:51.680,0:46:56.720
you felt for the child and I was like with the kid 
I actually and the kid started getting frustrated

0:46:56.720,0:47:01.520
with this grandpa who was now insisting oh come 
on now we need to go and you sort of and the kid

0:47:01.520,0:47:07.680
was protesting that it was right. I think like 
I I know I'm sure they had their reasons you can

0:47:07.680,0:47:14.640
rationalize as an adult but what if the kid is 
right? Yeah. And I think what you point to there

0:47:14.640,0:47:26.400
is is the child's primary need is for play. Second 
also attachment play that. Yeah. And really what

0:47:26.400,0:47:33.840
we we live in a society that's quite prejudic 
against children as in we deem the adult to be

0:47:33.840,0:47:41.760
more important than the child. And you see this 
in like all aspects of life. But really when we

0:47:41.760,0:47:47.040
question that for a moment and we say well why 
are we so prejudiced against the child the child

0:47:47.040,0:47:53.840
is a human they are just a less developed human. 
Now that doesn't mean we put the child's needs

0:47:53.840,0:48:00.960
above all else but it does mean mean we might have 
empathy for the child whilst we set the boundary

0:48:00.960,0:48:08.000
that we kind of see their needs that we see their 
pain. Doesn't mean that we always have to bend to

0:48:08.000,0:48:16.160
that and accommodate it. But we can be kind as 
we go through and progress and set boundaries

0:48:16.160,0:48:23.280
because the child is a person and if we kind 
of respect their personhood whilst we parent

0:48:23.280,0:48:29.120
then it's easier for them and it's easier for us. 
So setting boundaries but doing so with kindness,

0:48:29.120,0:48:35.680
love and empathy. It's like strength and softness 
both together. there. And if we're too soft and

0:48:35.680,0:48:41.840
we're too or we're too strong, it's really finding 
that middle ground that is the way through. We we

0:48:41.840,0:48:51.120
we become great leaders. You so you speak a lot 
about belonging and this connection. And what it

0:48:51.120,0:48:57.200
seems to me that you're saying is you want to I 
suppose it makes sense. You want to stay close to

0:48:57.200,0:49:04.000
your child and to understand them, what they want, 
what's right for them, to be empathetic to their

0:49:04.000,0:49:08.400
needs. It's not all about you and your job and 
where you need to go, but it's also about them and

0:49:08.400,0:49:15.680
them being outside. And it's like it's giving that 
time and that sensitivity to to their experience

0:49:15.680,0:49:23.280
and their world and just sort of Yeah. for it 
to not to be more about them. I think it sounds

0:49:23.280,0:49:28.000
like I I think you know the child is a member 
of the community. So the child is important,

0:49:28.000,0:49:34.800
the parent is also important and it's you know the 
family unit is important and the world should not

0:49:34.800,0:49:40.240
revolve around the child but the world should also 
not revolve around the parent. It's uh you you are

0:49:40.240,0:49:49.600
a collective of people and when we respect each 
other's needs within the community doesn't mean

0:49:49.600,0:49:54.960
we always have to be able to meet the need but 
when we respect the need that's where we find more

0:49:54.960,0:50:02.240
peace in our families. Okay. So to bring up a kid 
a child to an adult that's um a resilient adult

0:50:02.240,0:50:07.360
you know that can survive in today's hectic world. 
How do we do that? Because a lot of the time with

0:50:07.360,0:50:12.720
the schools the conditioning is to always be a 
a people pleaser, teacher pleaser. Yes, please,

0:50:12.720,0:50:17.520
no thank you, sit there, be quiet, don't have an 
opinion. There is a bit of that and sometimes kids

0:50:17.520,0:50:22.160
are a bit boxed in and they have to just be very 
goody goody shoes or they won't do well in the

0:50:22.160,0:50:26.720
school. Um, but then again, you also don't want I 
mean, of course, depends on the school, but some,

0:50:26.720,0:50:32.080
you know, will run riot and then, yeah, they've 
got no no Yeah. Yeah. boundaries or whatever,

0:50:32.080,0:50:38.320
you know, and then they grow up like that. Um but 
how how do we allow them to be you know ones that

0:50:38.320,0:50:44.720
have the opinions and that are risktakers but 
also obedient in a way when they need to be you

0:50:44.720,0:50:50.560
know this is the great simplest term this is the 
great challenge and you know I always think people

0:50:50.560,0:50:57.520
pleasing is not a helpful term people pleasing 
is selfabandonment it is denying your own needs

0:50:57.520,0:51:02.240
in order to prioritize somebody else's needs 
teacher pleasing then teacher pleasing let's

0:51:02.240,0:51:06.960
put controversially teacher. The teacher said, 
"Shush, be quiet, don't talk, don't do this,

0:51:06.960,0:51:11.280
don't do that." And you have to be quiet because 
the lessonness is gone. But what if your opinion

0:51:11.280,0:51:16.080
is valid, all that? Yeah. I think one of the 
things about school and you know, I was a

0:51:16.080,0:51:24.720
secondary school. I was a secondary school teacher 
for 10 years and um one of the things about school

0:51:24.720,0:51:33.280
that I think is very helpful to think about is 
that it's a game. And if we tell our teach our

0:51:33.280,0:51:42.720
kids that school is a game and we play the game 
well, we get good outcomes, right? Where we really

0:51:42.720,0:51:49.200
and truly belong is at home and that's where 
we derive our inherent worth from, right? Gosh.

0:51:49.200,0:51:58.960
And you know, school is a game that we play and 
it's kind of like respecting that school has these

0:51:58.960,0:52:05.840
rules and that sometimes we may not get our needs 
met at school, right? Our need to be heard may not

0:52:05.840,0:52:12.080
be met, our need for freedom may not be met. And 
really, this is where we can honor those needs

0:52:12.080,0:52:20.080
in the times out of school. So, and really tuning 
into what are your child's unique most prevalent

0:52:20.080,0:52:27.920
needs. So, for example, one of my kids has a high 
need for freedom and he says he comes home from

0:52:27.920,0:52:34.240
school and he says, "I've just been told what to 
do all day." Right. Yeah. And feel like that for

0:52:34.240,0:52:41.840
them. Yeah. And so to give him some space in the 
in the time after school where he is allowed to be

0:52:41.840,0:52:48.640
free and I find he's so much more cooperative with 
me if I'm able to give him that space. You know,

0:52:48.640,0:52:57.840
if your child, yeah, has a strong need to be 
heard and they do not get that need met at school,

0:52:57.840,0:53:05.520
then you need to be meeting that need perhaps 
by creating times when you listen to them. And

0:53:05.520,0:53:11.360
then when there's a pause in the listening, you 
ask them, "Is there anything more? Tell me some

0:53:11.360,0:53:18.640
more about that." And you give them more of an 
opportunity to be heard. and you highlight to the

0:53:18.640,0:53:25.440
child the needs that they're not getting met at 
school so that they can understand why they find

0:53:25.440,0:53:32.320
it hard at school. Because really all we are as 
humans is a bag of feelings and needs and feelings

0:53:32.320,0:53:37.360
and needs drive all of our behavior. So the more 
you can empathize with your child's feelings and

0:53:37.360,0:53:43.440
needs and help them understand their own feelings 
and needs, the more we're creating children who

0:53:43.440,0:53:48.640
can go through life and become like resilient 
because they know themselves. And on the subject

0:53:48.640,0:53:54.560
of resilience and and parents will definitely be 
be watching and and having a similar experience

0:53:54.560,0:53:59.280
and wanting to know more about it. Is it okay for 
the parent to sometimes step in so if there's a

0:53:59.280,0:54:04.480
bully? Every every school has a rogue bully. 
Every school has someone that's annoying. Yeah,

0:54:04.480,0:54:11.600
sorry. We'll call them that. A kid that's maybe a 
bit, you know, and um and and also the parents of

0:54:11.600,0:54:20.240
the kid also being quite, you know, always getting 
involved and like just being So when is it okay as

0:54:20.240,0:54:26.960
a parent to also step in and come in and save 
your child, but like you know stand with them

0:54:26.960,0:54:32.880
or and when is it not okay and let them sort of go 
through it? I think to be resilient. Yeah, I think

0:54:32.880,0:54:37.280
this speaks to something a little bit deeper, 
which is about the difference between being in

0:54:37.280,0:54:46.320
a fixing energy to being a a in a holding space 
energy. So, when when you're in a fixing energy,

0:54:46.320,0:54:50.960
everything feels like an emergency. Everything 
feels very urgent. We need to go in. We need to

0:54:50.960,0:54:57.840
fix. We need to sort this out now. It's on. It's 
on. And so many parents are in that fixing energy

0:54:57.840,0:55:06.720
because no one in their life has ever held space 
for them. Right. A holding space energy is much

0:55:06.720,0:55:18.880
slower, more trusting, more grounded. It trusts 
that with with space, time, guidance, and support

0:55:18.880,0:55:25.360
that the child will be able to solve their own 
problems. That doesn't mean we leave them alone

0:55:25.360,0:55:32.880
because of course sometimes it's right for you 
to step in. Of course, it is. But we do so with

0:55:32.880,0:55:42.400
a slower pace, not with urgency and emergency, 
but with a more trusting pace. And one of the

0:55:42.400,0:55:48.480
greatest things I think we can teach our children 
is about boundaries, their own boundaries. So

0:55:48.480,0:55:52.320
obviously we've spoken about boundaries in the 
context of sort of like rules and guidelines,

0:55:52.320,0:55:58.480
but there's another way of looking at boundaries, 
which is how they protect their energy. those kind

0:55:58.480,0:56:03.920
of emotional protect the energy cuz kids can 
be mean to each other like we know kids can

0:56:03.920,0:56:13.120
get out of control. Yeah. And a kid with weak 
boundaries is like an open target for bullies.

0:56:13.120,0:56:19.840
But a kid who understands their boundaries, who 
knows their worth, who knows that they belong,

0:56:19.840,0:56:27.200
who has a stronger boundary, they're less of a 
target for bullies because when a bully tries

0:56:27.200,0:56:31.840
to take their energy, the child protects their 
energy. Yeah. And and they need those lessons,

0:56:31.840,0:56:37.040
you know, they need the bullies and the rogue ones 
and the strange ones and these ones and the ones

0:56:37.040,0:56:41.280
that don't talk and the ones that talk too much 
because that's going to be life. So if they don't

0:56:41.280,0:56:48.400
practice now, not everything's rosy. Please do 
encounter a bully and a weird one and a whatever

0:56:48.400,0:56:53.680
a wacky type and one that you don't understand 
and the the nice ones and encounter them all

0:56:53.680,0:57:00.400
because that's going to be the kaleidoscope of 
and and added to this is one of the most important

0:57:00.400,0:57:07.280
things you can do as a parent is give your child 
a healthy set of beliefs. Because if your child

0:57:07.280,0:57:17.200
has a great set of beliefs, things like I am 
inherently good enough, I am worthy of love and

0:57:17.200,0:57:28.720
belonging. I'm a good person, I can handle things, 
I am capable. If your child has those beliefs,

0:57:28.720,0:57:35.200
then they can go through the schooling system. 
They can experience times when things are tough.

0:57:36.320,0:57:43.920
and they will be able to thrive and overcome. 
And so often parents get it wrong in that their

0:57:43.920,0:57:49.680
role they think is to to sort of like double down 
on academics, make my child like great at like 10

0:57:49.680,0:57:54.320
different they can play piano, they can swim, 
but do they have a good set of beliefs? And

0:57:54.320,0:58:00.880
sometimes those activities, you know, swimming 
or whatever it might be can aid those beliefs.

0:58:00.880,0:58:08.480
But sometimes if a child is so busy, they don't 
get the space to develop those beliefs and the

0:58:08.480,0:58:14.160
kind of guidance and they're being held in order 
to grow those beliefs. I think we've just done a

0:58:14.160,0:58:21.520
full 360 and we've come back to the very first 
question which was the parents when I said the

0:58:21.520,0:58:30.000
most popular most asked question about parenting 
is am I a good parent and you said it's am I a

0:58:30.000,0:58:37.200
capable parent and it's the belief that you 
are and then getting the skills whether it's

0:58:37.200,0:58:42.240
a coach someone to help you someone to speak to 
to sharpen those skills because we're we're all

0:58:42.240,0:58:48.160
works in progress. I always say it on this show, 
we're all work in progress. And whatever way you

0:58:48.160,0:58:55.120
can improve and be better, do it because we can 
all be better. All of us. But am I capable? Am

0:58:55.120,0:59:01.200
I a good parent? Yeah. Yes, you are. And you can 
do it. Yeah. It's been wonderful having you on.

0:59:01.200,0:59:06.640
Thank you. It's been fun. Thank you so much. 
Great. Really enjoyed it. Thanks. Thank you.